February 2010
pessimisomething
when we cuddle until we’ve cut off each others circulation, all i think about is how much it will fucking suck if you ever disappear. i’m in too deep but i’m not here to complain, i’m not here at all. i feel so warm with my feet in the ice i feel so grounded when gravity goes extinct i feel so terrified loving you i feel so..i feel so..i feel. to think, i used to feel...
scuffed up my huffy
now that i’m long gone, i know the sound of our giggling will forever dwell in your brain as the times you thought we were content. the times you thought i was content. when you’d smile from one ripped ear to another, if only you would have had the slightest clue while i fucked around behind your back. though if you really want to get into it, i always did it right in front of your...
underage til the tombstone
i’m such a little girl. these years passing feel like days, but i’m still fresh out of the oven. so young and naive and unknowing. i hate to admit it when you know more than i do, you hate to accept it when you don’t. i’m not your infant, you don’t need to pay mind to me 24/7. i spend the rainy days not asking you for answers, but looking them up for myself, like how...
my brain and head have never been in the same place. i meant what i meant and i said what i said, but i never meant what i said. not to anyone. i always seemed to jump before i actually took a second to look things over. i said what i thought they all wanted to hear and it was so persuasive that even i believed it half of the time. i’ve been in love and i’ve said things that i’ve...
chump change
i was so selfish for wanting you all to my own, even when i didn’t want you. wait no, i didn’t want you all to my own, i just didn’t want you to exist. i guess that one’s more selfish than anything.
spell check free, the way it oughtta be
i hate everyones teeth. why do we smile? it just makes things awkward. i love your smile and your laugh and your smiles and laughs are the only smiles and laughs that i can tolerate. i know that i generally hate everyone and i know that i’m strong and despite the two years spent with satan, i love being alone. but…but…but i want you to stick around forever. wait, maybe forever is...
it marks its territory by peeing on trees, i mark...
sitting out here shivering and listening to the rain while I smoke this last cigarette. i heard an animal speed through my yard and squeeze under the fence in the mean time while i’ve been out here. i can’t help but wonder what it’s escaping from. i see it stray from it’s home and wander down the street at least three times a week, what could be so bad that it’s...
missing
being held together by different nights spent nuzzled too close. hours translate to months from the second you leave til you walk into my bedroom again, it’s a real pain in my ass enjoying you so much.
signs of life
introducing myself to what it’s like NOT to feel like my cup is half full anymore. i’m drowning in it so progressively that i don’t even have time to gasp for air, but i feel safe. i feel warm and safe. this grounded feeling hasn’t been practiced by me in a while, but as of now it’s the only thing that i want. even if i were to object, what can i really do? if my...
dance because our bodies don't know what else to...
i’m sorry for all the times i came home covered in blood, but i’d be lying if i said that i’d be as happy as i am now if i hadn’t continuously let you down. i fucked you up and numbed you out and tore away at every inch of you until i wore you down so much that you didn’t need to stand it anymore. emotionally, you no longer needed it. you no longer needed me. and...
feelin' it
i could say that, as of right now, you’re the only one in the world for me. on my life, i could say you’re the only one. wouldn’t wanna expand your already blown up ego though, so i’ll continue to tell you of my nonexistent sexcapades, you’ll punch me, and i’ll hold you down and tell you i love you in the most seemingly insincere way i know how. i like us. just...
eyes peeled shut
dragging myself across the house to my king sized slice of heaven. reflecting the light off of my eyes from the shows that i didn’t put a second thought into before you came along. noticing the 60 pound weights on my eyelids and deciding i had better begin hybernation early before i stuff someone into a fucking wood chipper. then i stumble across the thought of you and pessimism turns to...
“do not ever say never, and don’t tell me forever, i want now. we’ll...”
heads up
this will easily turn into a twenty pound binge, all i seem to do is eat sleep repeat my way through the days that i’m not with you. what a faggot i’m turning out to be lately, my god.
racing
how well do you really know a person? i mean you think that you’ve studied every layer, you think that you know them like you’d know the back of your hand and then one second, one action, one slip of the tongue and bam, that’s all gone. your entire perspective, every aspect of whatever you thought once existed in the pile of shit you’ve thrown together with different bits...
twenty class a cigarettes
you are all i want to catch my breath for
reliving
rolled up into nothing but a clump beneath my blanket. sheets stripped completely off of my mattress, pillows standing up straight against the wall rather than under our heads, legs intertwined and your arm placed awkwardly under me with mine under your head. about six hours a night, two-three nights a week. same exact thing, and the only thing i care to do with my time. i’ll make obnoxious...
sleep deprivation
i could fill a movie theater for weeks with the thoughts of you that i replay continuously in my mind from the moment you pull away from my house to the second you barge into my room and wake me up again. for as long as i can remember, i’ve begged for my brain to just shut the fuck up and take it easy with the racing thoughts for even just a minute. lately it has been completely fried, so...
i like the feeling of mud on my feet
i like the smell of you in my sheets here i am entangled in the aspect of you. not in awe because what you’ve done is great, but because i am fucked up beyond belief and that in itself has completely transformed as my feelings for you have progressed. who the fuck would’ve known i’ve had a heart all along? i spent the last almost two years picking myself apart and only being...
“did you know most hypothermia victims are commonly confused with sexually abused...”
