you make me feel like things are going to start going down hill. you’re wondering why i can’t confront you yet i expect you to do the same. yet you just kinda made it clear as to why i can’t confront you. you assume that nothing’s going to get resolved and you believe that everyone should always just brush things under the table and wait for them to go away. because that’s what you do. you like to push things aside and ignore them until they disappear and that’s not okay. that’s not how this works. if we’re going to last we need to know that we can talk to each other about shit because it’s not just okay for one of us to be all pissy and upset and the other one just have their head in the fucking clouds. and this IS going to last because it needs to because i have never felt this way before and i know that you haven’t either and i don’t want you to eventually just end up brushing that aside too. i love you and i mean it when i say that you mean everything to me but i don’t feel anything mutual right now and it’s making me fucking nuts. i feel like my stomach is plummeting to my feet and i want to curl up into a wad of nothing and hate my life for a few. now i’m going to go to bed and hope to god that i get my mother fucking period asap so i can stop being such a whiney little bitch goodnight.
April 2010
so after a good couple of weeks on my animal planet photography mission on wild animals in the southeastern hemisphere of the united states, i have come to the conclusion that they are very wild, dirty, and rotten creatures. for instance, this species i’ve been recently following, i have come to notice they like to leave their mark everywhere they go. and by leave their mark, i mean make a huge mess. while stuffing their faces with pounds upon pounds of doritos, they tend to become covered in the most peculiar places with crums. much like your average elephant always covering itself in mud. they also cover every surface they are near (floors, sheets, etc.) with the cheesy residue and then procide to try to show affection to their mates by obnoxiously exhaling in their face with a smell of rotting wisdom teeth and coke zero. contrary to what you may assume after observing this, their mates always miss them like you would not believe. from distances starting at a couple of miles to as far as thousands. it’s been hard long days of work but i feel it has paid off as I have captured this rare beast in it’s natural habitat all without ever getting noticed.
i wrote this while being stuck in a four hour class my dad was teaching this morning and i had nothing more productive to do, so i went on and on a bit.
i love you. i love your stupid laugh and the way you cover your face when you do it. i love the way your lips fit between mine in the most perfect sense imaginable. i love how in your sleep you unintentionally grab me tighter and the way your body moves while in complete unconsciousness just to plummet on top of my arm and keep me from turning and facing the opposite way. i love that we can talk and, for the first time since i’m not sure if ever before, it’s not just words, because you get me and i get you and we’re in complete sync. i love it when we watch tv and i feel your eyes fall on me and a smile streak across your face. i love that whenever you sleep with me your head has to be buried in my neck. i love the feeling of my heart trying to bungee jump out of my fucking chest cavity half of the time i’m around you, and the undeniable truth that it still does and has lasted this long. i love that you love me. i love knowing that you love me as much as i love you. i love our future and the assurance that we do have one. i love that for the first time in my life i can’t even put into words the way that i feel for someone.
i remember you coming over my moms house those two weeks during winter break. i remember the faint sound of the tv that even then we didn’t watch. i remember you stayed awake a lot longer. actually, now that i think about it, you’ve pretty much always had this much of a problem with keeping your eyes from rolling back in your head. i remember you flopping onto my bed and throwing that abnormally shaped pillow at me and the measly pecks on the sidewalk outside of my house. when you thought about giving me your all but you couldn’t, you were too fucked up. yeah, you told me you were “too fucked up”. that’s okay, cause i knew i was perfect for you and that you’d know it soon too. i remember the few times we’d lay in my bed actually focusing on some parts of the movie and it would start coming to an end and i’d get so upset because i knew you’d be leaving soon, even though i knew i’d see you again the next day because you couldn’t stay away from me either. i remember how even then, hours passed like seconds with you. i pretended to look at the tv as i watched you lay there and i never said anything but i knew. i knew that even if you never let yourself accept it, even if it never worked out, we were supposed to be there. too many things could have altered us finally hanging out for it not to be for a reason. that fan was so strong, i was always freezing in that room. the wind from it would lightly blow your hair and i’d tell myself that one day i’d make sure you loved me. and then the movie would end and you’d see it was getting late and you’d be on your way again. you didn’t know it but i’d hurry back inside and watch you pull away through the window. i wanted to take in as much of you as i could. even then, you completely had me.
my eyes glaze over and roll back into my head as my body shuts down and gives into unconsciousness for the first time since who the fuck knows when. streaming through thoughts of my subconscious mind, i can’t figure out why i keep having these awful dreams about you. all they do is encourage all of this pessimistic bullshit i can’t help but come across. every single night, every time doze off for even an hour or two, for the last week straight. they just keep coming and they’re getting worse and worse. i want them to stop. it’s so bad now that i’m waking up and still thinking that it’s really happening. if i didn’t know any better, i’d say this is the reason for this new found insomnia i adopted six months ago. i’m not sure what it is that keeps my dry eyes open until the sun shines through the blinds. people are off to work and this little shit is off to explore more fucking nightmares. is it weird to be scared to fall asleep?
i’m worried about nothing and it’s all the time and it’s because this is everything. the common turn out is what worries me. the thought that someday this all could end grabs me by the throat and squeezes until my head explodes with pessimistic bullshit thoughts that i know i shouldn’t be thinking but can’t help to do so anyway. this heat in this room is driving me straight out of my fucking mind. yanking at the zipper on this jacket you let me use that night that i’ve been wrapping around my body every chance i get to ease this unfuckingbearable sense of missing you. god i wish i had a better fan where the hell is the ac. i think it’s funny. well not funny but weird. well not weird just..well i don’t really know but i’ve never not gotten sick of someone. i couldn’t tolerate anyone else for this long, i can’t tolerate you because toleration isn’t necessary. you’re my other half. that was fucking gay. no. you’re me. i mean i’m you. i mean..what do i mean..like we’re one person like..wait what? i don’t think i’m doing this stream of consciousness thing correctly i think i sound like (i don’t know why i am getting so distracted by this guy he’s not even funny) a retard. i’m going to keep going. i hope you don’t think this whole social detachment thing is your fault. i know you get upset when i don’t want to see people that aren’t you but that’s just how things are now and i’m more than content with it. in fact i’m the most satisfied i have ever been with my life in general. i don’t mind not seeing people. i like to be by myself and when i don’t want to be anymore, i like to spend my days in all of their entirety with you SWEATING FUCKING BULLETS BECAUSE GOD FORBID HE TURNS THE AC ON FOR THREE MINUTES. i think i just fell awkwardly in love with tj miller and i’ve also decided that i want to be tpain. or like tpain. i want to sound like tpain is what i’m saying. i’m scared of a lot of things but nothing has ever given me that burning at the back of my neck and the painful not fun unpleasant type goosebumps and nauseating sensation in the pit of my stomach as much as the thought of losing you. this is the best thing i have ever had. i don’t show it much in person. i wish i could bring myself to because you seem to want that but my subconscious mind won’t allow me to for fear that if i’m as loving and sweet as i would fucking kill to be towards you every single second that i’m in your proximity, you’ll start to take it for granted and just get annoyed and leave. because it’s what they all do. not that i couldn’t give two shits less if anyone else left before you strutted along. but it’s to be expected and that’s why i do what i do because i love you and don’t want you to go away. but i think you’re going to go away if i don’t cut it out so now what. try to understand my predicament please. i think i’m starting to experience the ins and outs of depression again and it’s making me fucking nuts. i don’t want to move. i wake up and stare at the ceiling for an hour before i actually get out of bed. i don’t want to eat much i’ve stopped sleeping almost completely i don’t like anyone or anything i’m just here. i can’t think long enough to conjure up a thought. i don’t want to do anything. no urges of productivity, even laying here is becoming a burden. oh and one more thing i really can’t even stand to be next to you anymore. i read something you write or listen to you talk or just look your way and immediately think you are the most legitimately stupid person i have met in all of my days. okay bye.
i can’t wait til button and i have our own ugly little shit
Day 01 — Your favorite song Day 02 — Your favorite movie Day 03 — Your favorite television program Day 04 — Your favorite book Day 05 — Your favorite quote Day 06 — Whatever tickles your fancy Day 07 — A photo that makes you happy Day 08 — A photo that makes you angry/sad Day 09 — A photo you took Day 10 — A photo of you taken over ten years ago Day 11 — A photo of you taken recently Day 12 — Whatever tickles your fancy Day 13 — A fictional book Day 14 — A non-fictional book Day 15 — A fanfic Day 16 — A song that makes you cry (or nearly) Day 17 — An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.) Day 18 — Whatever tickles your fancy Day 19 — A talent of yours Day 20 — A hobby of yours Day 21 — A recipe Day 22 — A website Day 23 — A YouTube video Day 24 — Whatever tickles your fancy Day 25 — Your day, in great detail Day 26 — Your week, in great detail Day 27 — This month, in great detail Day 28 — This year, in great detail Day 29 — Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days Day 30 — Whatever tickles your fancy
dyed a heart into Bella’s beautiful fur today while doing Kristine’s hair. it was a good day.
you’re akward and pathetic. you would fall absolutely head over heals for anything with two legs and a pulse that showed you the least bit of attention. how do you expect anyone to take you seriously? you love every other person that you date and date every other person that you randomly encounter. i mean really get a grip and grow the fuck up. maybe if you took more than a week to get to know a person before you render them irrevocably perfect for you, you’d find a relationship that lasts longer than that last cigarette you sucked down. i wonder if your lungs will turn black before you find a legitimate connection with someone.
it’s becoming a real burden on my life to have any type of relationship whatsoever with anyone anymore. god forbid you all take a split fucking second from your own stupid lives to see shit from my perspective. the fact that i have no urge anywhere in me to spend time with you doesn’t mean that i don’t care about you or dislike you or want our friendship to come to a screeching halt all of a sudden. stop flattering yourselves and assuming that it is ANYTHING personal. i’m just so far fucked out of any normal desire to be around any sign of human life lately that social detchment is just becoming a given. i can’t tolerate being around anyone for more than an hour tops. i don’t want to. i want to be by myself all the time or stuck to my girlfriend. that’s it. it’s not my fault and if you’re really going to get your shit in a bunch over this rather than trying to understand where i’m coming from, than cool. i mean i obviously don’t want you around anyway.
nothing’s ever felt as good as the warmth pulsating from your freezing palms when you squeeze me as tight as you can. i wish i could capture all of the thoughts that race and the feelings that set in when we’re under this blanket dying of fucking heat stroke yet still making sure we’re tightly intertwined, when i can just barely see your face enough through the tv lighting to successfully peck you without getting your eye again. i like it when you look at me and smile to yourself when we’re sitting and i’m pretending to be concentrated on the tv. i always pretend i don’t notice. i always notice. don’t think for one minute that i could ever give up on you. i’d be an idiot to risk this. you’re an idiot for thinking that i could risk this. stop worrying, i’d never hurt you. and trust me when i say you’re the only one i’ve ever cared enough about to say that to and mean it. so many things i’ve said before, so many more things i’ve never actually comprehended until you. i hope you know that i’m stuck with you until you want to leave. and i’m okay with that. just please don’t ever leave. i’m safe here. i’m at home. i’m on cloud fucking nine and i haven’t come down since day one. i never believed in fate, but i’m supposed to be with you. i love you. i love you today, i’ll love you tomorrow, and forever after that.
i like the way you make my hand go numb and the way my lower left rib cage moves out of place when you kiss my stum.
one of my favorite quotes is actually from the book: “you can’t live what’s gone, you can only remember it. and memories have no life. they’re just pale reminders of a time that’s gone, like faded photographs or a dried up daisy chain at the back of a drawer. they have no substance. they can’t take you back. nothing can take you back. nothing can be the same as it was. nothing is.” Day 01 — Your favorite song Day 02 — Your favorite movie Day 03 — Your favorite television program Day 04 — Your favorite book Day 05 — Your favorite quote Day 06 — Whatever tickles your fancy Day 07 — A photo that makes you happy Day 08 — A photo that makes you angry/sad Day 09 — A photo you took Day 10 — A photo of you taken over ten years ago Day 11 — A photo of you taken recently Day 12 — Whatever tickles your fancy Day 13 — A fictional book Day 14 — A non-fictional book Day 15 — A fanfic Day 16 — A song that makes you cry (or nearly) Day 17 — An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.) Day 18 — Whatever tickles your fancy Day 19 — A talent of yours Day 20 — A hobby of yours Day 21 — A recipe Day 22 — A website Day 23 — A YouTube video Day 24 — Whatever tickles your fancy Day 25 — Your day, in great detail Day 26 — Your week, in great detail Day 27 — This month, in great detail Day 28 — This year, in great detail Day 29 — Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days Day 30 — Whatever tickles your fancy
found a new favorite today
Day 01 — Your favorite song Day 02 — Your favorite movie Day 03 — Your favorite television program Day 04 — Your favorite book Day 05 — Your favorite quote Day 06 — Whatever tickles your fancy Day 07 — A photo that makes you happy Day 08 — A photo that makes you angry/sad Day 09 — A photo you took Day 10 — A photo of you taken over ten years ago Day 11 — A photo of you taken recently Day 12 — Whatever tickles your fancy Day 13 — A fictional book Day 14 — A non-fictional book Day 15 — A fanfic Day 16 — A song that makes you cry (or nearly) Day 17 — An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.) Day 18 — Whatever tickles your fancy Day 19 — A talent of yours Day 20 — A hobby of yours Day 21 — A recipe Day 22 — A website Day 23 — A YouTube video Day 24 — Whatever tickles your fancy Day 25 — Your day, in great detail Day 26 — Your week, in great detail Day 27 — This month, in great detail Day 28 — This year, in great detail Day 29 — Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days Day 30 — Whatever tickles your fancy
March 2010
love doesn’t even seem to do the trick anymore. what used to be viewed in my perspective as the most powerful word you could possibly use to describe your feelings for someone just seems so..quintessential now. this is more than that. i have an overwhelmingly sincere, constant, incredible fucking adoration for every square inch of your being. you are the only perfect thing i have ever found, and you are in fact perfect. it’s been months and my heart still flutters with one glance at your smile or a ring of your laugh. you just might be correct on your whole “fate” theory. maybe that’s why this is so..god..now perfect doesn’t even seem like enough to describe it. i can’t even write about you anymore because no word or theory on the planet has enough meaning in it to keep from being an understatement. i am so far beyond in love with you. adoration, infatuation, fixation, fascination, whatever. this is it, this is what i want. me. you. rest of my life.
No one really knows why they are alive until they know what they’d die for.
there is no way that anyone else can want anything as much as i want to duct tape you to my bed and cling to you like that stupid koala to the refrigerator. i’d never ask for anything more if i could lace my ligaments around your body and remain in a knot until the life falls out of me. i’d never set you loose.
i couldn’t honestly say that my heart has ever raced at such an increasing speed for this long with anyone else. this pulsating thing in my chest has been yours for the taking since before there was even the tiniest thought of us. now we’re here and i’m floating away with this shitload of butterflies flapping around in the pits of my stomach. i can’t remember what my idea of happy was before you landed here on my bed in this spot with your name and the indent of your body written all over it. it’s easy to forget anything when you feel this good, and i know i’ll never have another feeling so good. let me slide for picking at your insecurities all the time, you’re the only thing on the planet i’ve ever considered completely perfect in every sense of the word. i don’t think that i could find this in anyone else if you left. i don’t think that i could bring myself to try. if things start to get rough are you still going to want to run your fingers down my spine and nuzzle as close as you can to my neck? i mean you’re better than anything i’ve ever deserved and you exceed any definition of perfection i’ve ever conjured up in my head, so maybe that’s why my insides tear at every inch of my body when i consider you ever going away. i can’t say that i won’t ever piss you off, but i can say that i’ll keep you safe and warm. and i can’t promise that it will fix everything, but i can swear that whenever you wake up to my sleepy eyes i’ll make all the bad go away.
it would be an understatement to say that i couldn’t feel this much with anyone else.
i feel like once every good amount of weeks i’m walking on a row of eggs waiting for one to break and just turn into a lousy splatter of yolk and oily residue. the egg being myself and the oily residue being every other disappointing failed relationship you’ve encountered. you couldn’t fathom how much i want to be the egg that remains intact.
it was that one night. that one night that just keeps revisiting me, replaying in my head countless times, helping me fall asleep at night, cause god knows i haven’t been able to do it myself in months. it’s just those few seconds in time that bring me back from any small argument or bad day or anything. that one specific night where we were wrapped just right. those words that leaked out of your mouth left foot prints on my brain. all you did was tell me how happy you were at that very moment and how much you loved me, but i can’t say that it’s ever meant more coming from anyone else than it did in those five seconds of vulnerability. i can’t say that since then i’ve ever felt the same. i can’t honestly say that anything means more than this. and i’ve learned to accept it. with any walking talking waste of my time from the past, it was just the valid feeling of pretending i wouldn’t rather be alone for the rest of my life than tolerate the awareness of their existence. i could never decipher the lies i told from reality, i could never honestly say it was me who truly wanted anything to do with them. but i’ve never wanted anything as much as this, no lie has ever felt as good as your kiss.
tripped over the layer of junk covering my floor today. ate shit, face to carpet. it would have been funny if i was with you. picked myself up and wiped the crust from my eyes and the snot from my nose that wouldn’t have been there if i could refrain from obnoxiously licking you all the time. moped my way to the kitchen and washed down another handful of pills with the iced tea that only reverses the effect of the tylenol i swallowed to knock out my headache. my entire body kept tingling with that awkward sensation you get when a fever kicks in and i was racking my brain to distract myself from the castration surgery i was going to perform on Bo if he didn’t shut the fuck up. but i can’t not crack a smile at the thought of you. i got tangled in a daze on my way back to my room. i was minding my own business when i started thinking about all your stupid remarks. started laughing and tripped again. knees red and head still throbbing. even times like this when i’m in pain, the thought of your laugh makes it all go away.
got swept out to sea again
i was walking and writing when i dropped my pen
when i bent to pick it up, the wave came crashing down
didn’t even give off a warning sound
found myself doused from head to toe
should have went walking when the tide was low
my knees all scraped by the coral reef
there’s seaweed stuck in between my teeth
i don’t mind drowning, long as i’m with you
i’d be bribed out to sea one day, i always knew
can’t help but tell all the fishies about the funny things you do
i’d trade these hands and feet for fins if i could float life away with you
i could care less about even the most significant aspects of my life when i’m wrapped tightly in your ligaments. i thought i was as wise as can fucking be when i vowed never to waste my time on anyone again, all of my time. there’s nothing i’d rather do than waste my all my time bound to the confines of my bed with you. we were stuck there for hours last night depriving ourselves of even the tiniest amount of sleep, and all i wanted to do was remain in the knot we’d formed for the rest of my life. trace my calloused fingertips from your hip bones to your stomach to your back to behind your neck and over again. i’m the safest i’ve ever been and the most apprehensive i’ve ever felt. i have everything to lose now, because you’ve become my everything.
i’ve said it all already in one form or the next. there’s no more awkward metaphors i can conjure up; there’s no more rambles that haven’t already been worn out; there are no synonyms left for the, in constant lack of a better word, love i found in you. it’s amazing though, the way that this obnoxious warm feeling in the pits of my insides can be literally the only thing that i think or write about, yet it is still the only thing i can think of to write. it’s the only feeling i want to voice, the only thing i want this entire planet to know, the only person completely invading my deepest thoughts at such a constant rate. i could die right now and you could all rest assured that i was the happiest and most satisfied i had ever been. you bring me to this reoccurring questionable state where i can’t help but wonder about anything i ever thought that i felt for anyone. because in comparison to you, it couldn’t have been real. none of it. this by far exceeds the things i’ve felt. just when i thought i’ve endured so much pain, i notice that it hurts more saying goodbye to you at night than any break up or painful revelation i’ve yet to experience. i want to stay just exactly where i am for my whole life.
every nut and bolt in my entire body aches, menstruation is still in full affect, i’ve accomplished absolutely nothing as far as the piles of homework that is continuously expanding goes, i’ve been irrevocably nauseous for the last three days, and tomorrow will be all of that plus and added four hours of sleep. with that said, if my insides were anywhere near in the norm these days, i would be more than prepared to slaughter a family of five at the moment. but nope, all i want to do is lay bundled and uselessly with you. i am so so so so so so so in love with you. k bye.
February 2010
when we cuddle until we’ve cut off each others circulation, all i think about is how much it will fucking suck if you ever disappear. i’m in too deep but i’m not here to complain, i’m not here at all. i feel so warm with my feet in the ice i feel so grounded when gravity goes extinct i feel so terrified loving you i feel so..i feel so..i feel. to think, i used to feel nothing at all.
now that i’m long gone, i know the sound of our giggling will forever dwell in your brain as the times you thought we were content. the times you thought i was content. when you’d smile from one ripped ear to another, if only you would have had the slightest clue while i fucked around behind your back. though if you really want to get into it, i always did it right in front of your face. never hid it, never bothered, never gave enough of a shit to. that’s how much you meant to me, i hope someone accidentally pokes your fucking eyes out, you never used them anyway.
