i have successfully stollen one of brendons flannels to sleep in. not a plaid shirt, not a squared pattern button-up tee, but a legit manly man cheap warm fabric flannel. i can now succesfully do the things i couldn’t before. like chop down trees, grow a beard, have an axe, wear suspenders over my awkwardly high blue jeans, and even so much as own an oversized blue ox. and if you haven’t noticed yet by all my references, by wearing plaid i can succesfully be a dyke.
Joel: I can’t see anything that I don’t like about you. Clementine: But you will, you know, you will think of things and I’ll get bored with you and feel trapped…because that’s what happens with me. Joel: Okay. Clementine: …Okay.
staring at these walls until my eyes peel the neutral colors right out of this room that i guess isn’t quite your domain anymore. do you know what it’s like to feel like a toy car is lodged in your throat? all the promises i knew i could never honestly ask you to keep, but i feel that i’m at fault for the fact that i might have shrugged off my own promises i meant to keep to myself just to believe in the words that died at your feet just as quickly as they fell from your mouth. and i won’t resent you for feeling this way, no i know way better than that. i believe that you believed everything you said. doesn’t help me cope with the fact that it’s as easy for you to fall in, if not easier, as it is for you to fall right back out. i wanna latch onto your leg like a pissy kid in a toy store not getting his way. Don’t go, don’t go/ dont go; dnt goooo. man oh man this is exhilarating NOTTTTT. YOU’LL HAVE TO COME BACK LATER IF YOU’RE EXPECTING SOMETHING WITTY. i’m floating right out of my body as we speak. i still think you smell, i still think you’re perfect, I STILL CAN’T UNDERSTAND WHY I CAN STILL FEEL THIS SHIT. overdramatic shmoverdramatic you don’t know how pathetic this feeling is that keeps yanking at my god damn tear ducts. i never let out water works but shit the floods are comin’ lately. what in the seven sea’s is wrong with me. we’ll see what tomorrow brings but fuck, what can i really do now? hope is dying out and pretty soon i’m just going to be taking two steps forward with the same left foot. god damnit i know i’m good for you, you knew it better than anyone a week ago.
And hey, don’t feel bad. No one can ever take away the boardwalk trips or the subways. I think we grew up past the hang-ups and the evil stares, the fuck you too’s and I don’t care’s. We would lie there in my bed, do you remember all those nights we never slept? No clothes, sweaty, doing all the things I never thought I’d do, and I did them with you. Hey, I guess I’ll figure it out, the reasons why things went the way they did, and why we can’t accept it. We’d fall asleep, but not before we exorcised the evil things that everyone hides. We would lie there in my bed, do you remember all those nights we never slept? And even though we brought it crashing to an end, I loved it all.
Sometimes, people really do feel like they don't want to exist, like they want to curl up in a ball and hide from everyone else. They feel like life is caving in on them and they want to just go somewhere else and not feel anything at all. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that. And if you don't know how it feels to feel this way, then you have no place to judge anyone who does.
i’m sitting here alone with Ed in front of the tv for the second night in a row. in the last twenty four hours i’ve watched derailed, taking lives, hide and seek, coyote ugly (twice), premonition, the butterfly effect one AND two, and definitely maybe so many times that i’m pretty sure i may have resited a few of ryan reynolds’ lines in between tosses and turns on the couch last night. i’ve slept, ate, and watched countless movies due to the lack of cable. that’s it. in that time i haven’t said a word to you, thanks to your request, and i’m not going to ask you if you know how difficult that is to do because you’ll give me a smart remark pertaining to how even you can’t go 24 hours without talking to you. but it is, in fact, a fucking chore. i’ve been sitting in this same spot since 7 last night trying to avoid this shit feeling in the pit of my stomach. i really actually don’t like being gay and writing about my feelings for you but as i sit here without you, thinking about how much you do make me feel, i can’t help but completely out-gay myself. i’m totally completely just super-gay for you. i appreciate you and i don’t know how to tell you that. i suppose my lack of confrontation is one of my dumbass ways in doing so. i love you so much that, at all costs, i try to completely avoid saying anything that even has the POTENTIAL piss you off. i used to spend all my time expecting more from other people until i met the person who made me expect more from myself. i find that in you, along with everything else i’m lucky to have found in the person i’m totally in love with, and it makes me want to bottle it all up and shove it in my pocket so i never have to go without it. my lack of communication was my sick way of doing that and i’m sorry and i know it was kind of stupid now and completely hypocritical but shit i miss you and i’m going out of my head lately. i know you know what i feel about you, and i know how much you feel for me and i know that nothing, especially not this, is worth pushing that off to the side. i hate this. like tormenting awful obnoxious hate. i’ve felt things like this before, similar to all the overly gay things i feel for you, and i’ve thought that i’ve loved people more than i’ll ever or have ever loved anyone else, but i KNOW with you. i know. no one else pushes me like this, or makes me want to do better, or makes me feel as good as you do. i know that this is the best thing i’ve ever had and the most i’ve ever felt for one person. and i know that when it’s seemingly impossible for anyone to have loved you more than they love theirselves, i do. you stick by me and you’re my best friend and i’m running around like a cat with it’s whiskers plucked out without you.
it would be cool to get through one night without choking up. i don’t get why i’m so upset lately. well, i mean i have an idea or two. i just feel so, idk, hollow and just alone and it just fucking smacked me out of nowhere. i wish i just felt the same as i ever did
Me: i want to set fire to everyone Brendon: I dont get what your beef is, you have someone that would wipe your ass if you asked them to, what more exactly do you want you slave driver Me: i don’t think kristine would wipe me if i asked Brendon: Thats awesome I was referring to myself
i’m not happy. i’m exhausted and lodged into this dark shitty hollow crack in the earth. i’m missing something and i need to get it back. my own happiness has always been contingent upon another human being. yeah cool, pathetic, i know. i need to change that. i need to learn to give a few shits less if i want to keep my head above water when this ends. it was different before i had this constant pessimism towards us that i just can’t shake lately, and the possibility for this to all just come crashing down eventually without effort. which, given the circumstances, when the time comes, it inevitably may. regardless of what i want. school is also taking a toll on me. i’ve been doing fucking great all quarter, but i get the feeling finals are going to kick my ass. the friend aspect is starting to lighten up though. going to aidans party saturday night, maybe spending time with people will change my urge to swallow a bomb lately.
hey kudos to you if you do truly do trust me because you know what, you fucking should. this is probably the only thing i give a shit about, and the only thing i would never just give up on after a while. whenever you feel yourself starting to drift into worrying, bash your head against the nearest solid object and get the fuck over it, i am in this for the rest of my life whether you believe it or not. no bullshit obstacle will even come close to standing in the way of this and if anything makes an attempt, i won’t leave unless i go out with guns blazing.
i feel very empty. or maybe i’m just too full with shitty emotions. i feel very..alone in this. i’m in this box with no sound and everyone’s talking at me from the outside. i know what they want, i can feel what they’re saying. no one can hear me out though, no one’s looking at it all the way i have to. this isn’t another rant about how much i hate everyone, i don’t even know what this is. this is pointless and it’s going to get shrugged off or swept under the rug just like everything else i let out. i feel very depressed, and isolated but not in the way i’ve been striving to be lately. no one helps anymore, no one CAN, you’re all just the reasons that i feel the shit i’m feeling now. i don’t know what is coming over me for the last hour, but i feel miserable.
Tonight i have the strangest feeling Searched for answers on the hotel ceiling When did my heart first feel this way Being alone used to be just fine Now life without you is just passing time Thought i heard you call my name Reached for your hand, it was in vein You’re not here, feels like a hole in my chest Get dressed, look in the mirror, say you’re gone I’ll never be the same So I drive to you tonight I was blind, now i have sight I couldn’t leave you even if i tried Your heart beats inside of me Like a star in the dark of night Like birds lost in flight Like clouds in a sky of blue, i belong with you
something funny i’ve noticed, and you are going to find this just as awkward and questionable as i do, but for some god given reason really obnoxious, degrading rap songs make my feelings for you stronger. the end.
i wonder if they know what it’s like, everyone who isn’t us. to feel that agonizing bullshit torment of missing a person, or the rages of happy that come at a constant rate, or the stomach in your throat feeling when the thought of losing them occurs. this is going to be one of those long useless annoying mushy smelly intoxicated kind of things. i’m always warm and fuzzy when you’re around, the lack of ac in this fucking house may provide the warmth but the fuzzy is from the way i know you give so much of a damn. i wonder why that is. i find myself lurking the corners of your mind, picking through all the weird things that explain how you could love me so much. i still can’t ever seem to understand it, mostly because i know that you’re too perfect for me to deserve calling you my own, but i count my blessings anyway and i don’t even know what the fuck blessings means. i don’t know why, but i know you love me back just the way that i love you. and i know that you feel all the stupid torment and happy feelings that i feel. so you have to know how unfuckingbelievably great it is to know that the extent of our feelings match to a T.
i sleep like a pup when you’re around. sleeping problems only exist to people who believe in problems, too bad problems don’t exist when we’re dozing off in a knot on my bed.
i can’t say today was the best i’ve ever been through with you, but i can tell you i’m the happiest and most appreciative of our relationship at this moment as i’ll ever be. this should be like any other entry where i inform you of just how much i feel for you, but i think i’m the one who’s enlightened right now. i had no idea how tremendous my feelings for you were until i assumed all bets were off and you were gunna strap on your jet pack and take off for good. it’s is unfuckingreal that i wanted to literally rip out my fallopian tube and strangle myself with it at the thought of that ever happening. my feelings for someone have never reached such an intense level, so just stick around no matter what K YOU’RE SITTING ON THE COUCH BEING THE MOST ADORABLE, ANNOYING PIECE OF BUTTHOLE IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW AND RUSHING ME SO BYE.
i make your life hell? I’M an immature cunt? before i start, don’t try to fucking tell me that little comment wasn’t about me because i know it was. how do i know? because i know how the fuck your tiny third grade mind works and i know that you wouldn’t know what taking responsibility was if it walked up to you and knocked your fucking teeth in. tell me, please, how am i immature exactly? am i the one who, instead of admitting that you were wrong in what you did or, god forbid, just not mentioning it at all, turned everything COMPLETELY around as if you were the one that did it? no, i’m pretty sure that was you, you piece of shit. just a heads up, i fucking PROMISE you that i’m not the cause of any decisions she may make towards your relationship. i can understand how it’s hard for you to comprehend it since you spend 90% of your relationships trying to isolate and control the other person, but people do in fact have their own minds. oh and another thing, stop playing the innocent little bitch when it comes to our “friendship” and then turning around and acting like you want nothing to do with me when you sit there and beg to fucking hang out. you know why i don’t like you half of the time, you know those unnecessary looks of fucking digsust you give me, you know you piss me off to no end for no apparent reason, and you know you’re a pathological lying ass hole. grow up and get the fuck over yourself. i hate you and i hope you choke on your diet pills.
i think you’re pitiful and awkward and i feel sorry for you. but no one can see you the way that i do because no one knows you well enough to see right through you the way that i always will. i know you from your insides to your out, i know the way the gears in your mind rotate, i’m the only one who sees how you front like you’re intelligent or insightful when in all reality, you don’t have a fucking clue. you go through every single day bopping around like a retard, you don’t know which way is up and you are legitimately stupid. you’re pathetically desperate to find some sort of connection with someone, so much so, that you completely ignore the fact that the ones you find are shit. you keep going because you’re a raging idiot who would look for love in a plant if you thought it had a pulse. you write what you think makes you sound smart or creative, but you don’t make sense. not to me. because you’re not smart, you’re not creative, you’re just lost and hopeless.