I had the most disgusting dream about my boyfriends penis last night. I remember telling him in the dream that it looked like the spawn of Satan, and just a fun fact, it also resembled a peacock. Now I just feel like we will never be able to have sex unless I hold back my urge to vomit when I remember it. Welp, at least I gave heterosexuality a go.
This is hard, but I can deal. I mean, I’ve done it once before, haven’t I? Sure, then you called it a “break” and still lead me on for a week or so, but then you were gone. Way further than you are now. And what you did was far worse then, than what is going on now. So, what makes this time any…
It’s not even fair. We drag ourselves through the in’s and out’s of love and emotional dependence like it’s nothing. We find ourselves becoming the aftermath of a whirlwind of complete shit, yet we don’t hesitate to scrape up our limp bodies off of the gravel and throw ourselves right back into it. We’re so naive, and it’s sad. We make ourselves sick over it, we allow ourselves to emotionally, as well as physically, be torn to these battered pieces of people we never saw ourselves becoming all because we chose to let our happiness be contingent upon the one person we shouldn’t have. And we did choose. Whether we know it or not, there was that one moment, whether it be that split second before you first let their lips meet yours or even when you first admitted to feeling anything for them at all. There was a choice, to either submit yourself into a constant storm of shit with the hope that the less likely, favorable outcome will actually happen…OR to walk the fuck away and never have to worry about having your heart fucked inside and out. We stick with choice A, not because we’re not afraid, but because the possibility of that outcome is well worth the risk. What we fail to realize is, everyone is going to crush us in one way or another. Anything you can love to such an inalterable extent is always going to hold your heart in their back pocket and have the opportunity to tear it to nothing at any moment. And once the damage is done, it still sticks with you. It’s in every movie you watch that you saw with them, doused over every inch of your bedroom that they touched, lingering around the corners of your brain where they left their trace like it was no big deal. And it will always be there, and we’ll always love them, because we were supposed to. Something that good isn’t meant to be forgotten, whether we want it to or not. There is always that one person, and will always be them.
“And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter— they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long.”—Sylvia Plath
I think I’m really happy. I mean, I am really happy. I am definitely happy. This last week was fucking mind boggling and I literally had no clarity whatsoever until just now. I’m glad we talked. I’m glad we actually CAN talk without including some sort of joke in every sentence. It’s nice. I like you. I like us.
The last person you kissed, describe him or her? He’s tall, tan, and kind of gay looking but we look past that
You kissed someone last night didn’t you? Mhm (;
Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed? Aidan, I passed out a few minutes after he left
Were you single on your last birthday? Nope
Look in your inbox, what guys do you have texts from? Trevor, Jesse, Aidan, Gage, Nick, Ryan, and Ed
What was your favorite part about yesterday? Watching awkward movies on the couch with Aids
What’s one thing you’re tired of? Not being able to eat anything, it’s a real fucking burden
Do you want to see somebody right now? No
Would you be more likely to fail Science or Math? Equal probability If your last ex said they hated you, you say? Stop being a baser
Were you happy when you woke up today? My tongue was swollen and I was covered in drool, but yeah I was relatively happy
Do you have a best friend of the opposite sex? Brendon
Do you currently have feelings for anybody? Aidan Wells
Who last wore something of yours? Kristine wore my shoes and leggings
Excited for anything? Ft Lauderdale in a couple weeks with Aidan
Ever liked someone older than you? Always
Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos? Just got my tongue done, getting my nose most likely by next weekend
Will you have a boyfriend/girlfriend in 6 months? If things keep looking up!
Was the first person you talked to today male or female? Don’t remember
Where did you get your last bruise from? I don’t know where any of them come from, but probably from Aidan and I beating the shit out of each other last night
Longest time you had a crush on someone? Before anything finally came of it? Two years lol
What do you plan on doing once you graduate highschool? If you already have, did you fulfill your goals? I’m thinking of going to UCF or FSU and studying either graphic design or psychology. I also want to eventually study abroad somewhere for a semester. After I graduate college I want to move to Boston or Downtown Toronto and make a career for myself there.
Is there anyone you really can’t stop thinking about? Nope
Have you ever thought that somebody didn’t like you, but come to find out they did? Uh, my last two relationships
How many times a day do you brush your teeth? I brushed my teeth 6 times today because I’m so ungodly paranoid
Who are you currently talking to? I’m texting Kristine and Ashley
What are your five favorite stores? Idk if I have favorites really, I like Forever 21 and Charlotte Russe and Hollister and shit. I prefer online.
I’ve tried and failed so many times, maybe that’s why it’s such a shocker for me now to feel anything for you. I don’t really know how to take this sudden burst of heterosexuality. I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do with it all, I feel awkward. Maybe it’s how you can wrestle with me and let me fuck up your hair. Or how you nonchalantly yank me over to you if, God forbid, we’re not close enough. Or maybe it’s the way we can still be ass holes to eachother, regardless of the new stupid title. Actually maybe it’s just the way you rolled my weed that one night in the back of Danielle’s car. Yeah I think that’s it.